When I Betrayed my intuition
*Trigger warning-discussion pertains to grooming and sexual predators.
I want to share a personal story, but first, I want you to recognize that you have the tools to trust yourself. If you don’t have a relationship with your intuition or understand how intuition lands in your body to alert you, I hope after reading my story (one of many btw) you will reconsider your relationship with your own inner wisdom. I’m sharing this experience so you can see how this betrayal unfolded even though my intuition was LOUD. But…I didn’t trust it. I didn’t fully trust myself and my own knowing.
This experience took place early in my massage therapy career. I worked at a well-known spa at the time. A prominent figure in the community had scheduled an appointment with me. He made me slightly nervous in the brief moments when we had engaged in small talk. I made an excuse for feeling nervous, I was just being silly.
I consulted with several of my co-workers about this person. Outsourcing my own knowing to receive an answer that would quell my nerves. One co-worker replied, “He goes to my church.” Okay, that’s a little better, he goes to church. Another co-worker said, “He’s a jokester, but harmless.” Okay, maybe I’m being judgmental, I really need to work on that! I decided to keep his appointment on the schedule. I abandoned my intuition and relied on the outsourced information from my co-workers.
I made it through the first appointment. I was uneasy for the entirety of it because my body was continuously sharing its wisdom with me. I could NOT control the intuitive feelings screaming NO! inside of my body: tightness in my chest, shallow breathing and my gut was a swarm of butterflies—not the cute ones. However, this appointment was pretty benign overall. He scheduled several more appointments with me. Over the course of these appointments he would progressively become more forward, discuss inappropriate topics that I would redirect him away from. He would share lewd jokes that I would brush off and he asked me personal questions that I felt obligated to answer because, deep down— I was afraid of him. I knew something was wrong, but I needed proof. I didn’t trust my own knowing. My brain needed the evidence. Intuition cannot provide the proof or logic. Intuition does not explain in full sentences why this person is throwing so many red flags. Intuition was sharing important information with me through the felt sensations in my body and, because I couldn’t fully understand it, I continued seeing him.
On one occasion, he scheduled a longer appointment with me. Immediately, I knew something was off. The pattern was disrupted. He consistently only booked 60 minute appointments. Maybe he was in a lot of pain? I began justifying the alteration to the appointment time and searched for excuses to ease my growing uneasiness. I looked for logic.
During this appointment he constantly tried to expose himself to me. I would nonchalantly cover him and drape him appropriately. We did not verbally discuss this happening in real time. At one point he said, ‘I feel more comfortable without any covering.” I shared that it is state law to professionally drape and that’s what I would be doing. I hoped stating a law would end this terrifying moment. I did not feel empowered enough to state that I was uncomfortable and end the session. As we arrived at the 60 minute mark of our 90 minute appointment, he jumped off of the table fully nude and declared, “I booked this extra time today because I wanted to save the last 30 minutes for you.” I froze. HE wants to ‘massage’ ME. I was so frightened. I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! After several moments, I gained an adrenaline rush of courage to leave and told him the appointment was over. This person was grooming me throughout our prior appointments to the culmination of that very moment. I will spare you the details of what happened next, but ultimately, I was unharmed physically and escaped being sexually abused that day. I had to confront him and share that he made me uncomfortable (a complete understatement) and that I would no longer accept appointments with him. I was so angry at his intrusion and angry with myself. I blamed myself for ‘allowing’ this. I KNEW something was off the minute I met him and yet, I continued to proceed with our appointments. I felt the sensations of my intuition in my body, not only on day one, but every subsequent encounter I had with him and I talked myself out of it. I ignored my instincts and paid for it later.
I share this story because it’s an impactful example of overriding intuition. I am passionate about sharing intuitive development because it’s a life skill we all have and should be consulting with every single day. Young women, especially, should be taught intuition and feel empowered to stand in their own truth. They should be taught to stand in their power and release people-pleasing and listen to their inner guidance.
I share the teachings of intuition not only from a safety standpoint, but also in the ways that intuition can expand and open your life in beautiful ways. Living intuitively is living authentically and joyfully. Opening up to your intuition will inspire you and allow creativity to flow through you. Intuition will spare you heartache if you listen. You might believe you don’t have intuition, but really you’ve just spent years overriding it.